Happy!

I had one of the longest and bestest and most emotional conversations with one of my best friends today. I had a sudden burst of tears(which wouldn't stop) and I just picked up the phone and called him. I didn't even know or completely realize what all I was holding on to inside me and how much effect it REALLY had on me(it was WAY more than I always thought which was still A LOT) and how connected it all was. A lot of things made sense, a lot of it didn't, at all. But, I spoke my heart out, I cried my heart out(I don't think he understood much because I cried more talked less lol, it was funny) and he was on the other end of the line just hearing me out. No judgments, no comments, while completely and wholly being there for me emotionally. While talking about it all and getting it out of me, it did make me feel better(actually no it didn't, because I feel terribly sick right now and my eyes are burning! TMI? lol) but I could see my ENTIRE life as a movie..(well not all, most of it, you get my drift)..and I realized I'm actually very strong(my friends call me a crybaby) because..I was able to deal with it all and I'm still here, I'm very happy and I'm eating chocolate chips lol...but I also realized, how disillusioned I was and most of the things I went through in my life was my fault..my need to be there for people, my need to not give up, my need to maintain relationships and my need to make everything last forever, my need to TRY till I die.. but it was MY need, but that's not what everyone wants right? What if you're not wanted? What if you are putting yourself in the same situation over and over again for whatever reason and allowing people to treat you in a wrong way. I mean I did ALLOW it, as much as I hated it and as hard as it is to forget, till now. If you're tolerant and forgiving to someone who doesn't give a fuck about your emotions or YOU, you're just being the BIGGEST fool in the world and giving people a chance to walk all over you and take advantage of you(emotionally)..and what's the worst part? You're yet not appreciated for nothing and yet made to feel bad about yourself. I mean, who is anyone in this world to do that? I wasn't born to please you, yet I've done that, so enough with the douche-ness already! So, if you allow people to hurt you, know that its 90% of your own fault because you are not loving yourself or being there for yourself. I'm so glad I said it all out loud(well most) because he didn't have to say a thing, the realization just sunk in and I've NEVER felt this way before..That feeling was something.
My friend just told me one thing, and he said this applies to everything in life, it doesn't have to do with people, feelings or whatever the fuck it is, just ask yourself what question - is this person/thing/situation making you unhappy? if the answer is yes, "kick" it out..or in my case, it usually kicks me out. But, that line did really help me see things differently and also just talking about my entire life..I realized a lot of things about myself, the good in me, the bad in me, what I need to work on, what I need to hold on to and what I need to let go, forever, kick it out. I was very proud of myself and I realized I'm actually very strong and know what's the right thing to do, I just get too carried away with my emotions and WANT to see the good in others, even if they're pure DEVILS..I may not see the good in them('coz like duh! they lack it) but I definitely WANT to.
I was a completely different person earlier and I changed overtime, I changed to balance things out with people in my life because it was so important to me, they were so important, I truly valued it. But, in the end, does it ever matter? I mean, who wants to be put through mental torture or remember the crap people put them through repeatedly without having a heart? No one.(But, you do end up remembering people for how they made you feel which sucks for me.) So why put yourself in that situation ever. You can't change people, but you can chance yourself. "Be the change you want to see in the world".
Let go.
And hold on to the things that make u HAPPY and makes LIFE BEAUTIFUL, because LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL, every moment is, every day is, if you're not living it up, you're definitely wasting it.
You want to grow with people who bring the best out of you, respect you, love you and accept YOU for who you are and that is so easy to find...Don't waste a single moment expecting others to make it better for you, because chances are they're fucking heartless. Make every birthday special, celebrate that you were born, make every holiday, every festival, even special occasion even more special..What's the point of living if you're not making the most of LIFE?
I was feeling very unloved and unwanted and not just by one issue, but when I opened up about ALL of my life, I realized how many people tried to make me feel that way(and succeeded) and didn't give a fuck(perhaps still don't?) and how all of it makes it so much harder to deal with it...and specially, when you open up to someone about the closest thing to you're heart that literally kills you and they don't give a fuck about it and treat you in the same way repeatedly..and I don't think ANYONE should feel that way because we're all loved and very wanted, if not by one person, then by someone else, that is why we are still alive...and after I opened up to him, I saw everything in my life flashback and I saw what different people tried to make me feel and how they treated me and how they ignored everything good I did for them and turned it into something negative and that's when he reminded me, what are you sad about? what are you crying about? There are so many people out there who love you and think you're so special, why do you give a fuck about people who don't give a shit? They don't right? So, why would you waste your time even thinking about what they do. Fuck that shit (FTS) .. And, that is so true. Often, we concentrate so much on what we don't have or the negatives in our life and forget all the love and wonderful things we have in our life. I smile everyday non-stop because so many people in my life make me smile and laugh so much...(and make me feel special)...So, if haters are bringing you down, shake it off baby, time will tell whose loss it really is, and in the words of Nicki Minaj "Haters you can kill yourselves"..
Often, people are so unaware of what effect their actions have on others, or maybe they're aware but too weak to take responsibility or man up, I say that's awesome, because now you know, what's your worth, and that it is WAY ABOVE all this and that you should THANK God for showing you their true colors time and again. He saved you, but after a while, you just have to be smart, think about yourself BEFORE anything else and do whats best for YOU, 'coz face it, that's what the"closest" people would even do time and again, i.e put themselves before you and your feelings. So, when its obvious people don't give a shit, ignore, let go and move on with life...In some days, it wont matter and it'll be history.. In fact, it already is...
Cherish and value the people who VALUE you. Love the people who LOVE you.
But, don't ill-treat or fall down to the level of devils, you don't wanna be that. :)
I'm so happy right now..Sometimes, all you need is a little reflection and little acceptance and a little gratitude to see things the way they are and re-evaluate your life for once and for good and make firm decisions(like the northern star lol)..and stick to them, come what may...
I often think about things and realize I shouldn't let people treat me like this, but if they apologize or want to make things right or "emotionally manipulate" me, I give in, each time, and eventually the same thing repeats and I end up getting more hurt each time and this whole build up has really broken me(to their knowledge)
So, I mean...if we want a change in our lives, if we wanna break patterns, if we really wanna be happy completely(it is, after all, a state of mind), we need to let go...of people, situations, memories, miseries, patterns and pain....truly let go, in every form..and completely..forgive but don't forget...and be willing to forgive, not because they deserve it, but because that is the right way to move forward..
Don't ever even for a minute think you deserve people's bullshit, don't even question "why me?" It happened? You shouldnt've allowed it to happen again and again and again and again, but you did... that's why it was YOU.. Time shouldn't be wasted on people who are worthless in your life.
Love yourself before loving others, respect yourself and know you're worth, you're beautiful inside out and if people don't see that, you just have to do ONE thing - "kick them out"
Life will be so easy and beautiful....and it is our foolishness and being naive and ignorant that lands us in trouble.
Only let positive stay in your life, slowly start kicking out the negative.
Re-evaluate and make a firm decision and NEVER look back. Because you know you have in the past, remember what it did to you....


And about people not realizing things or taking the blame, there will be an answer, let it be :)
Don't ever allow family, friends or a lover to hold you back or bring you down,
you're perfect the way you are and doing the best you can and growing every day.


Be confident. Be strong. Be lovable. Be you....
Make the journey count, with you...and with wonderful people! Some stay, some leave :)


PS: Can't believe my eyes are still burning like a bitch LOL. Must get some zzzzzz. Going to bed with a smile then wakey wakey with a smile!(YAY for sleeping in tomorrow. NAY for studying :( )

Love,

Esha

xoxo